Five years ago I was introduced to a communication model called Transactional Analysis. It is fascinating, and completelytransformed the way I perceive communication, and engage in it.

Communication goes wrong when the proverbial wires get crossed. Where your super-hero communication power lies is in the ability to prevent wires from crossing in the first place. Recognizing when another person has crossed wires with you, and not permitting them to take you down a bad path is POWERFUL.

What is Transactional Analysis?

Transactional Analysis is a model of people and relationships that was developed during the 1960’s by Dr. Eric Berne.

The core constructs:

• We have three ego-states to our personality: parent, adult, and child
• Our ego-states converse with one another in transactions

Human beings have conversations with others, as well as internal dialogue in our own heads, which stem from a parent, adult, or child role.

I must walk you through the ego-states before I can introduce examples. I guarantee you’ll be identifying the ego states of co-workers and family members in no time, and you’ll know just how to counter-balance these ego states by the end of the article!

The Parent Ego-States

There are three forms of parent we can assume in our conversations:

1. The Nurturing Parent

• Openly expresses concern and care for others, gives recognition freely and listens intently to what others are saying.

2. The Controlling (or Critical) Parent

• Tries to make the Child do as the parent wants them to do, perhaps transferring values or beliefs or helping the Child to understand and live in society.

3. The Rescuing Parent

• Often motivated by guilt and feels the need to rescue people from themselves.

The Child Ego-States

There are three forms of child we can assume in our conversations:

1. The Free Child

• Characterized by the non-speech noises they make (“Yahoo”!, “Whee!”, etc.). They like playing and are open and vulnerable. They are curious and explore.

2. The Rebellious Child

• Reacts to the world around them, rebelling against the forces they feel. The behavior is often argumentative.

3. The Wounded Child

• Believes they are not in control and life “happens to them” while they are simply observers. This child form has a vulnerable and victim-like mentality.

The Adult Ego-State

The Adult is the rational person grown up who:

• Speaks with assertiveness, and is reasonable.
• Does not try to control, or use aggression toward, others.
• Is comfortable in their own skin and is, for most of us, the ideal self.

When people communicate, an exchange is called a transaction. The bulk of conflict is rooted in unsuccessful or broken transactions.

Transaction Examples

The following transaction begins as an Adult transaction, but is met with aCritical Parent response:

When a communication stems from either a Parent or Child ego-state, that transaction becomes crossed, and is considered unsuccessful. In this case, theAdult is being treated as a Child by the Critical Parent ego-state.

Let’s look at another example using a Wounded Child response:

The initial communication is a direct, rational question. However, it’s met with aWounded Child response. Again, the wires are crossed, altering the trajectory of this conversation, creating a power differential between the speakers. The Adult is being goaded into the role of Parent by the Child ego-state.

Double-crossed transactions are the most volatile. Let’s take a look at a classicCritical Parent met with a Rebellious Child response:

This probably looks familiar to some of my married readers when you’ve spent too long working on a frustrating project around the house with your spouse!

What about Rescuing Parent? I refer to this ego-state as an enabler:

Seems harmless enough. After all, the person is trying to be helpful, right? Unfortunately, rescuing people thrusts them into the Child ego-state against their will.

You may have noticed I didn’t provide examples of Nurturing Parent, or Free Child. These ego-states are not considered negative but are meant to be used in appropriate doses.

There are certainly times when it’s appropriate to operate out of a Nurturing Parent state. An example is a much older co-worker that is mentoring a younger, inexperienced associate. Again, the key is small amounts, lest the younger associate be relegated to a Child state.

Free Child is also considered a healthy ego-state in appropriate amounts, because all work and no play makes Jack and Jill some pretty dull kids. However, an ego-state of Free Child in large amounts in the workplace (or home for that matter) could cause some concern for the adults around you (think Tom Hanks in the movie, Big).

When you operate from the Adult ego-state, it shines a light on the bad behavior of others, and does not justify their continued bad behavior. You’re Parent orChild reaction further fuels crossed wires, and ensures the conversation will crash and burn.

This model is why I’ve eliminated sarcasm from my speech, as it has significant potential to increase unsuccessful communication transactions.

Key Takeaways

• Watch out for crossed wires! This is where conflict arises.
• For rational conversation move yourself, and the other person, to the Adult level.

I hope you’ve found this helpful, and would love to hear your comments.

All the best to you!

I’m primarily a career coach, but oftentimes I play the role of life coach, because my clients may have “stuff” going on in their lives which causes them to seek my services in the first place.

I’ve coached many hundreds of people, and one commonality I find is the difficulty people have giving a co-worker or manager constructive feedback. Many of my clients choose to find a new job so they can put a difficult working relationship behind them. You know the saying, “People quit their boss, not their job.”

I’m going to share a marvelously simple way to bolster your courage to speak up, but, first, let me share reasons people cite to avoid giving feedback — along with a counter argument for each.

I tried before. It didn’t make a difference.
Perhaps the method was ineffective. Are you open to a better approach?

My boss is intimidating. I’m afraid to confront them.
What happens when you encounter an intimidating boss or co-worker at your next job? Wouldn’t you like to learn to manage people once and for all? Not to mention you’re putting yourself in a parent/child relationship with the other person, which is unhealthy.

I’ll get fired.
If it’s a bad situation, they’re doing you a favor. No one makes a more concerted effort to find a job than when they need one. Also, this is why it’s important to have 3 months of expenses saved if you’re married, and 6 months expenses saved if you’re single. You don’t have to be a slave to anyone.

They might retaliate against me.
Refer to counter-argument number three.

I don’t want to hurt their feelings.
How would you feel if someone was upset about something you did? Would you prefer they resent you silently, or would you appreciate a chance to address the issue? Approach is everything. It’s very simple to provide feedback in a non-threatening way. If you’re hurting someone, you’re handling it incorrectly. Giving someone feedback shows you care enough about the relationship to speak up.

I’m afraid it will damage our relationship.
Healthy conflict is actually shown to strengthen relationships, not damage them. Again, approach is everything.

I don’t want to cause a problem.
Houston, we (already) have a problem.

Now, let’s get to the nitty-gritty of giving feedback using three little letters: SBI.

The Center for Creative Leadership developed the SBI Feedback tool to help managers deliver clear, specific feedback, but it works across all relationships, personal and professional. SBI stands for:

Situation.
Behavior.
Impact.

First, describe the when and where of the situation. Next, describe the other person’s behavior, only mentioning actions that you have observed. It is critical to remove assumptions of motive or intent, which almost always escalates conflict. Then, communicate the impact of his or her behavior on you. When appropriate, discuss what you would like to see change in the future.

Before I give you an example, let’s talk about how you might broach the conversation, because, for many, getting the conversation started is the hardest part. Try this on for size:

“I’d like to speak with you when you have a moment about a situation that occurred. I’m interested in your perspective, and would like to share mine, as well.”

Let’s say your boss has a habit of interrupting you in meetings, and yesterday your boss interrupted you again in front of your team in the middle of sharing an idea. You never want to say things like, “You don’t respect my opinion”, “It was rude when you…”, “You don’t value what I have to say”, etc. Those are value judgments. Instead, use the SBI model:

Situation: “Yesterday in the team meeting, I started to explain my idea for the new product launch.”

Behavior: “I wasn’t given an opportunity to finish my thought when you started speaking about the marketing vendors. I felt it important to mention, as this has happened on several occasions in team meetings.”

Impact: “I’m concerned this behavior undermines my credibility with the team.”

An important element for this to work well is to continue to loop back into the SBI model if the recipient is not receiving the feedback. Imagine your manager responds in a defensive tone by saying, “No one will think anything of it. You’re over-reacting.”

Using the SBI model:

“Tom, giving you this feedback today was not comfortable for me and I gave it considerable thought (situation). Your response that I’m over-reacting minimizes the effect your interruption had on me (behavior) and does not foster the ability for me to have open, honest communication with you which is critical to our collective success (impact).”

Give the SBI model a try, even if with a spouse, or friend. Let me know how you make out! Remember, people treat you the way YOU allow them to treat you: an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

All the best to you!